Today is about coming to terms. I started this blog to chronicle my life, my moments of self discovery, the places I go the people I meet and like most things I start I never considered the possibility for there to be discoveries that would not be all fun and exciting that would equally need to be shared not because of you my dear readers but because of me needing to talk about it.
It’s the funny thing about writing and being a writer sometimes in the course of writing for others you stumbled upon a reason for writing for yourself.
Since I’ve been home and the wedding bells while a sweet memory have slowly faded into the hum of newlywed life I realized there were somethings wrong with my health. I became keenly aware of crushing fatigue, trouble sleeping, inexplicable weight gain/loss and some “lady” issues.
I have thyroid problems already so I thought that the new dosage of my medication might have been to blame but it went on and on for two months non-stop. Until the discomfort and stress of my symptoms caused me to cave and go to see a NaPro doctor.
After doing a series of tests including two sonograms, and countless bloodwork the news was confirmed today that the diagnosis is most definitely PCOS. I am in the process of learning more about it. I was also told that should how I’m feeling now persist despite treatment I would need to come in for an endometrial biopsy to rule out pre-cancer.
My life has been drastically changing and moving since October 18th 2014. Now that it is changing again, I will be completely transforming my diet, my lifestyle and my expectations about things like having kids, possibility for cancer, the change that my diet will have on our financials etc.
Despite the frenetic often nail-bitingly painful waiting periods between tests, the uncertainty, the unintentional but unhelpful comments from friends and family about “not being able to have kids” or the unsolicited expectations about how other people expect me to handle this (as if my health was on their terms); even with all that…I’ve been in an odd in-between state of natural concern and peace.
The peace is the thing I really find unusual, anyone who knows me knows that I am an anxious person, a chronic and unapologetic worrier. But for some reason this thing with all it’s uncertainties and scary what ifs (what if you can’t have kids, what if you have pre-cancer, what if you have to completely change how you live) I’m oddly calm.
I’ve decided that this peace is because of two major things. The first of those is my husband, who at the very mention of needing to switch to an organic, non gmo, non hormone, all natural gluten free, low glycemic index diet, went out RIPPED UP A TREE that was blocking sun from our yard, and made a garden bed for home grown organic veggies for me. My husband who when I got the news today ran out immediately and found a gluten free version of my favorite cookies just so that I didn’t feel trapped by my new diet restrictions. My husband who looked at me when they told us we may struggle to have kids, squeezed my hand, and said with a twinkle in his eye, “Sounds like we’re just gonna have to get a lot of practice trying to have them.” My sweet, incredibly thoughtful, dedicated husband is why I feel like everything will be fine even though things are not okay. I have him…and he will be there with me, every step of the way.
The second is my faith. In a time when a lot of people look at what I believe with disdain they don’t count on moments where faith really can keep it together when you feel like you’re shaking apart. Someone much more powerful than me knows what’s going on, and needs me to go through this. A lot of times when people talk about faith they always say the same things, “Why would a good God let bad things happen to good people?”
Maybe it’s because there’s something to be learned from hardship. Maybe it’s because through hardship we find that peace, that strength to look difficulty in the eye with courage and to triumph over our fears. Maybe it’s because through difficulties we can see more good in people as they pitch in to help us, make time for us, give us shoulders to cry on and gluten free cookies to eat.
For me? It’s because I believe that this hardship will teach me to find peace amid chaos, to be able to trust and depend on others, something I’ve never been very good at doing. Through this I can transform myself into someone who takes her health more seriously, who discerns the vocation of motherhood equally seriously, and finally lets go, allowing God and handle the driving for now. Through this I can learn to be a better wife, a better person, and have more faith, more peace and more courage.
When I look at it that way…this is one of the best things that could have happened to me. I’m not afraid. I’m not shaken. I am stronger, and more focused on overcoming this than ever. And with my husband, the tree ripper, and God on my side I can’t imagine a better dream team.